As I sit here this morning, after everything I did yesterday, and after starting this blog five days ago, and I have developed butterflies and nervousness.
What am I doing? And who am I to do it anyway?
I am not a historian. Not in the least. History was my worse subject in school. Then again, twelve years of leaning about the explorers could do that to anyone. Never kind all of the false history I was taught. For instance, I was taught that Plymouth was the first English colony and that Thanksgiving began there. Both are lies. Jamestown was the first permanent English settlement and the first Thanksgiving was at Berkeley Plantation. Both were in Virginia, let me add. Never mind how I was never taught that Virginia was the birthplace of the United States of America. But, the only reason why I know these things is because I lived in Virginia for four years (and visited the historic sits at least once a month) and because of my family tree.
But, no. I am no historian. My degrees are in psychology and chaplaincy, for goodness sake.
So, what am I doing? I am so far out of my league it isn't funny. Who am I to do it? Probably most everyone is far more qualified than I am to write this blog.
Nonetheless, I realize not everyone has a traceable family tree that goes back as far as mine does and they don't have the same ancestry I do. My family tree makes me uniquely qualified to write about my family tree.
But, the historical part... I am scared of erring and of not learning enough, never mind sharing enough. Then, I also am fearful of sharing too much. I sure don't want to bore anyone to pieces.
Then, to complicate things even more, I am attending a writing conference this week and will present this idea and learn more how to write these stories. No pressure. It's all self-imposed pressure, I realize. Am I on track? Am I doing what God really wants me to be doing?
I find sharing the facts a little on the dull side. But, that is what I need to do first. Then, when I write the short stories, there is a background to the story, so it makes even more sense. This is the ultimate goal. I will use short stories of historical fiction to help us go there and see it for ourselves in our minds and imagination. I hope to make history come alive and help us remember the facts, not opinions, of American history.
Yesterday, though, felt great with everything I accomplished. Learning and sharing the facts can be a slight bore, but it wasn't yesterday. In fact, it pumped me up and got me excited for what is to come and my writing short stories of historical fiction based off of my family tree.
I pause.
Yes. This blog is what I am supposed to be doing, regardless of how intimidating and how insecure I feel. This blog is one big homecoming where I learn about my family and the history of the country I love.
Since I leave tomorrow for the writing conference, I pray I am able to get even more done than I did yesterday.
Bear with me dear and precious readers and friends. I will find my way and my rhythm of writing this blog.
Writing this blog is sure stretching me. I am far outside of my comfort zone. However, while it makes me feel horribly uncomfortable and nervous, not wanting to get it wrong, it is not unbearable and I will not try to avoid it. The best things in life come from times of uneasiness and fear. It's what we do with them that counts. I am going to to keep at this no matter what.
Learning history from my family tree will make history come alive and will help me make sense of my nation today and will help me speak out about it. It will also help me pray for my nation.
Leaning, though, is never a fruitless activity. And, I sure love to learn. I cannot wait to see what all I learn. Even though I still wonder... What am I doing and who am I to do it?
